everyone here is an idiot

Students Who Aren’t Going To Make It

i had a student come up to me and in a very irritated tone of voice ask, “so, like, apparently I have to have a pencil. do you know where i can get one of those?”

she showed up to her first day of classes sans writing implement, was shocked and appalled that she was supposed to have one, and could not figure out how to solve this problem.

[edit] this student returned and offered me $2 for my pencil stub. she is both a problem-solver and a politician.

______________________________________________________________

[while standing in front of the stairs and elevators]

“how do i get to the second floor??”

______________________________________________________________

“where is building 2000?”

we don’t have one. there is only one building on this campus.

“is this RVS?”

no. that’s a different campus.

“well how do i get there fast enough? i’m going to be late for class!”

i suggest you head there as soon as possible.

“well that’s really unprofessional of you! you’re making me look bad!”

…

List Assist Anger

a woman came in asking for help, as people here tend to do. i asked her what she wanted help with.

“i need some feedback.”

ok. on what? what class is this for?

“it’s not for this class.”

um, okay, well i probably cant help much.

(the beginning of this interaction is intensely boring to me. lets skip to later in the conversation, like around where she begins to become irritated. At this point, she has told me that she is starting a “list of events” for an “event” she wants to have involving “people.”)

she pulls out a laminated piece of paper. i already know this is not going to go well. any time a student brings something that has been laminated or placed in a plastic cover, i know there will be a fight. these students are uniformly arrogant and idiotic. its like they finish crapping out words onto paper and think, “gosh im smart. this paper is so great. i’m great. this piece of paper should be protected for all eternity in this plastic cover so that my children and my children’s children may bask in my reflected glory forever. ill just take this on up to the lab so the tutor may agree with me and then marvel at my verbal prowess. perhaps she will give up her job and beg me to take it, as i am the superior human being with plastic-encased paper. but i shall turn this offer down, as i am a magnanimous lord.”

anyway, she hands me a list of the names of events. they’re pretty nonsensical. they go something like this:

(before you read this list, imagine the girliest font you can. then imagine this font in an unreadable version of that font.)

Friday: Women of the Wild: Cooking for Children

Tuesday: Women of the Wild: Extreme parenting

Thursday: Sheep Charge Metaphysic Squishy 3D

Monday: Women at home: At Work

Monday: Event

Wednesday: Women’s womeny for womany women. womany. womany?

I ask what advice she wants.

“oh, just general feedback. you know, what you think.”

i don’t…this…this is just a list. i mean, i can deal with grammar and content. neither of those things are involved in this.

“look, if you dont want to help me, just say so. i know at the other lab, they’ll help me. you just don’t like me.”

no, look, jeez. just tell me what you want. i dont know what on earth this is or what to do with it.

“I WANT ADVICE! i’m doing events for people! this is important!”

i…i…dont know….what on earth is sheep charge?

she left extremely angry because i refused to assist her. apparently shes going to another lab. im curious about what sort of assistance they might offer. i should have just made shit up, like, “OH! how about on Saturday, you offer Women2Women: The Ford Truck Month Princess Pony Cyborg Golden Lucky Time Hour Place. Woman.”

my dad is fucking weird

he’s been in the yucatan for 6 months. he did not tell me when he was returning. this is how i found out.

…what IS that?!

HUH?!

WHAT. THE. SHIT. IS. THAT.

really? this is what you send when you’ve been gone for six months? you ask if i want the worst piece of ‘art’ ive ever seen?

it is horrible and ugly and why the fuck is there a crab claw in there? ew.

just look at that.

look. at. it.

i bet he made it himself and was really proud.

imagine a huge, red, hairy guy with fat fingers hunched over making this thing. maybe his tongue is sticking out of the side of his mouth as he concentrates with a bottle of elmer’s glue, trying to get everything just right.

he stands up and says, TA DA! my masterwork—it is finished!

now go look at that again.

beautiful framing for the photo, btw. i love how he contrasted his fine ‘art’ with the lowly ‘battered cardboard box.’

maybe im just not sophisticated enough.

anyway, anyone want some art?

inmate is not a job title, nor does it constitute work experience

today i witnessed the creation of perhaps the most ill-conceived resume ever. in the history of the world.

he asked me how to cut and paste something. i glanced over and explained how. then i realized what i had just seen and had to keep looking.

under work experience was an amazing collection of things that simply do not constitute work experience.

he had his time as a varsity football player for middle school and high school listed. but he also mentioned that he spent 10 seasons doing this. middle school + high school usually = 7…but….

well, whatever.

the next thing i noticed was that he had listed his time in the military.

okay, that’s not too bad.

then i saw that he’d listed his dishonorable discharge.

hmm.

it got worse.

the most recent thing listed simply said “inmate.” no, really. he had listed his time in prison as “work experience.”

he didn’t appear to have held a job within prison, either.  he simply listed a few bullet points about how he had to clean his cell and the percentage of body fat he’d lost.

i’m trying to imagine what sort of job this resume might be appropriate for, but i am at a loss.

oh, yeah. also, he does not understand pop-ups. he saw one. it had a simple little maze. he proceeded to try to solve it. somehow, he went out of the lines.

of course, since it was a pop-up, a million other windows appeared and began to make horrible sounds. he was extremely baffled.

“i don’t know why those appeared! i didn’t click on them! i was just doing a maze and it made me feel smart!”

that’s a pop-up. that’s what they do.

“…a what?”

nevermind.

monica does not work here.

stupid kids keep arguing with me today

like i don’t know what i’m talking about, what a run on sentence is, or the name of a coworker

one esol student was trying to get me to work on her essay, when there was a clear list of “approved tutors”

and the student was all “well, monica did it!”

uh, we don’t have a monica. also, there’s no monica on this list. did you look at the instructions?


“yes you do!”

no. what does she look like?

“a girl!”

OH REALLY

“monica grapejelly”*

okay, that’s definitely not her name. she’s one of my best friends.  its drunky.*

“that’s right. yes! monica!”

no, i told you. that isn’t her name.

“so, monica helped me with this before!”

well, did DRUNKY help you with this same paper?

“no”

did it have different instructions?

“yes. i think i will wait for monica.”

fuck off

*name has been changed to protect the inn^H^H^H guilty.

2 students

a female walked in with a psychology paper.  i went through my normal spiel and asked for the prompt and shit. things went quickly downhill.

“i don’t have it. my husband does. this is actually his paper.”

why do you have it then?

“he works too much! can you just edit this for me?”

no. i can’t tutor if there isn’t anyone to tutor. does he have any days off?

“only sundays!”

how convenient.  we’re open sundays.

“…”

“its due today.”

i gave in and looked at the paper.  but that paper didn’t even need to be edited.  it needed to be balled up, thrown in the trash, set on fire, and then stomped out by three hobos who have never worn shoes. it wasn’t a paper; it was just a list of things. and it was too short. it needed some development and a thesis, perhaps some paragraphs.

but i didn’t say any of that.

here, have this handout on mla. also, it’s not long enough.

she was pretty pissed.  wonder if she’ll complain.

____________________________________________

student came in with some sort of paper about how the most important day in a person’s life is when he or she produces a child. i contend that this is the worst day in someone’s life, but whatever. not the point.

there was one paragraph in there, though, with a very strange argument (you’re probably not surprised).

apparently, once you have created a child, you become invincible in any argument. one example went something along these lines (please mentally insert grammatical errors where appropriate):

if someone is sick, then that person is more likely to listen to a mother who has a home remedy than someone who is only studying that subject in school. the mother has had personal experience with her child, while the student has only read about a solution “in theory.”

aside from the logical problems here, what i find most baffling is how this student is disparaging…being a student.  if one thinks so little of “book learning,” then whyyyyyyy waste so much time and energy on it?  i really wanted to explain the ramifications of his argument, but i am certain the student does not know the meaning of “ramification” or “extrapolation” or “thought.”

college info essay workshop computer (?)

interactions i have had today:

an obviously drunk old lady called the lab and said “i can’t work this damn computer!”

i’m sorry; did you have a question?

“i need to learn how to use a computer.”

okay, we can help you with that.

“i’m not a student”

okay, then we cant help you with that.

“there’s no help for me at all?!”

you would have to be a student.

“but i want to learn! isn’t that enough!”

no.

she hung up.

____________________________________________

someone came into the campus manager’s office and made a shit ton of fliers.

they made no sense and provided no contact information.

all the fliers said was “college info essay workshop computer”

i can’t see what the use of these might be.

____________________________________________

a guy came into the lab wearing a top hat and kilt.

he had a potion bottle tied to his waist. he’s gonna be my new bff.